Hi Doc

I am a single gay male who is HIV negative.  I have a full time job and live by myself in a small apartment in Ft Lauderdale.  When I moved to fort Lauderdale I had a thought that this was going to be Shangri-La…beautiful weather, interesting people looking for others to grow and be old with and meet decent men for long term relationships.   I quickly learned that men here, most, and yes I do say most, practice unprotected sex which I do not, and then I realized that those who go out to clubs, a place I thought would be a good way to meet people, are just twisted freaks who want dirty sex, no long term relationships, and are so judgmental!

I have not given up!  I never say never!

So Doc…answer me this–

What does a nice, smart, funny, ok looking, hard working guy wanting monogamy, honesty and fun, along with an erotic safe sex life while also being able to talk things out, the good and the bad, do to find men for the dream of a partner?

Thanks,

MJ

Dear MJ

It sounds like you are very frustrated with life and your ability to connect with quality men.  You describe a world in which you are a great catch but the rest of the population has a boatload of problems.  Indeed, you see others as judgmental, but you yourself use judgments such as "twisted freaks". 

The question is why are you attracting what you don't want into your life?  Likely it is because you are focused on negativity and have your antenna up looking for the worst in others.  You may indeed have ambivalence about your own sense of self and what you really want.  You are probably seeking out love rather than enjoying life with the understanding that when you are feeling good about yourself and your life's purpose and passions you will attract the kind of people you want into your world.

I would suggest doing some psychotherapy either individually or in a group to deal with some of the deeper issues you need to bring to consciousness rather than blaming the world outside of you for your problems.  Group work might be the best place to start, and you may wish to check out my Confidence, Self-Esteem and Personal Empowerment Group for gay men as an option.

I wish you my best,

Arlen Keith Leight, PhD, LLC